This year’s Valentine’s Day falls on the same date as the start of Chinese New Year!
::*+*:: F E B R U A R Y | 1 4 t h | 2 0 1 0 ::*+*::
I find that special :) I wonder if I’ll have someone special to share it with.. ^^=
Haha, just kidding. Lately, my thoughts have become more rational and realistic. When I think about being in a relationship…
1. I’m freaked out. I become nervous, my palms sweat, I twitch, my face oils up and my makeup runs. I stutter and worry about how I look, what to say, how to act, everything and anything to not embarrass myself. But then I think about what the books say: the guy should like you for who you are. You should never have to pretend around him. After all, remember Marilyn Monroe’s wise words?
“If he can’t handle you at your worst, then he doesn’t deserve your at your best.”
SO TRUE. I’ve quoted her a lot recently, hehe. But, right? He should like me for me. Then, and only then, I’ll be comfortable with myself and with being with him. Isn’t that what’s most important? You can’t have awkwardness - it just won’t work out. Close the distance. KISS THE GIRL! K, that was a bad The Little Mermaid reference :$ ACTUALLY, there’s a hint of a HERCULES title too!!! HAHAHA~
2. I have to change. Well, “adapt” is probably the more appropriate term. We are two people, therefore we lead two different lives that work on two different schedules! The time I wake, eat, study, go out, and sleep will all change. I’d have to factor in someone else’s needs into my own. Don’t get me wrong, I love caring for others and everyone knows that… but I’m so used to my own routine, that now that I’m “close” to “it” and really thinking about it, I can’t imagine changing the way I live my life and then having to change it back again later on… LOL, how pessimistic. I always advise to live in the moment and be happy while you can, but I’m a real big hypocrite :) I’m an anomaly, a walking paradox, a breathing oxymoron, a girl who would do better to take her own advice every once in a while… heh.
3. I have to compromise. I compromise on a daily basis, as we all do, I’m sure. But the difference here is that these compromises are for DATES AND TIMES. I can’t help (I really can’t) but think that I’d be doing it for the sake of not losing my significant other, when really I want to be doing it because (i) I care about his preferences so I will sacrifice my personal tastes and phobias to try the new Greek Bistro or Thriller Film or Haunted House Theme Park… and (ii) I want to know him better so I will familiarize myself with his favourites… NOT because (i) I want to be the more dominant one, the one with the pants on, the one with the whip or whatever other labels you can come up with… or (ii) giving in because I’m weak and constantly afraid of losing him. For instance:
“I concede, let’s go with your suggestion (I don’t want to get into a fight and end up breaking up).”
Prime example of the absolute insecurity I hope I don’t/won’t ever have. But until I gain some sort of assurance that he truly cares for me and accepts me, I’ll forever remain insecure… OMG MY DAD WAS RIGHT. I AM TROUBLE. I guess he meant “hard to deal with,” in that respect. And trust takes time. SO MUCH TIME. I guess that means that my palm reading is also correct - I will marry really, really late in life. BAH.
The funny thing is, I’ve never even considered going into anything besides a serious relationship. But look at me now, here where I am, totally freaked out about “it.” I guess I’m really not ready. I’ve considered just dating… for the hell of it, for fun, for networking or maybe something that could evolve into a casual relationship… but I don’t think I’m able to do that either - I’d feel really guilty, like I owe the guy (because in the end, I’m not serious about him). Wow. I’m VERY insecure. See, I want to get serious (as in, I don’t want anything besides IT… “the final cut”… I don’t ever want my heart broken… let alone bruised or battered, but I doubt I can prevent that if I ever fall in love), but I’m afraid to let anyone into my heart… or, to rephrase, I’m afraid to give any part of my heart away. Then again, I’ve never dated or been in relationship, so, what can I say? I have to try it out to find out, I guess? But I don’t want to risk anything. I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want to regret. I don’t like making mistakes. Yet I know that making mistakes and learning from them is all a part of LIFE… I feel like I’d rather go through life standing a metre (based on imprecise measurements) away from the edge of “going with the flow” and “taking the reigns” (also known as LIVING). Can you imagine that? Standing away from the ledge, almost 100% preventing my plummet into the unknown, versus jumping off that building/tower/cliff (be creative!) and EXPERIENCING THE THRILL, THE THRILL! …I’m comfortable here, I’ve been here all my life, where no one interrupts my stream of unchanging obliviousness yet I still have fun (a little flirting here and there, the puppy crushes, the infatuations and dreamy idol sequences, the like), so what the heck, my heart is safe and I’m better off safe than sorry!
KTHXBI :D
