Sometimes I get really irritable. I hate it when that happens, because then I will invariably find myself on an extremely negative and emotional roller coaster. One second I’ll want hugs, the next I’ll snap at you if you interrupt my silence, then I’ll have this urge to physically destroy something, or go into solitary emo mode where all I want to do is curl up in a corner and drown in an abyss of loneliness. When that happens, I automatically assume that it’s nearing my time of the month. Well, that’s an excuse. But it’s sometimes true. Anyways.. I think about all the people who must care about me, even if I’m not their #1. I try to think that my unhappiness would only cause the people I care about to worry, and since my mantra is to “LIVE FOR OTHERS,” I strain myself to be happy again, and it usually works, with a little bit of help :) I went through it today. But I got out of that sorry slump, thank goodness!
That concept of being someone’s #1… I can’t help it. Maybe it’s some sort of “spotlight complex” or whatever. I can only really explain it as trying to be everyone’s best friend. At least, that’s sort-of what I kind-of did in the past? But without that intention!!! and NOT for the sake of attention! What I mean is, I HAD BEST FRIENDS. But that relation is lost to me now. This sort of ‘best friends’ were friendships where I was on the receiving end of being considered very close, but in my heart they would not be the first to come to mind when I thought of my ‘best friends category.’ After all, I met many people. I made many friends. Friends who may have have held more regard in me than that which I held for them. Make sense…? Not that I didn’t consider them good friends, but I was clouded. My nature is to be open to people, nice, attentive, and I care about their issues, no matter if I know them or not, because I am a listener, and an empathetic one. Now, it’s easier :) It is no longer that way. I no longer try so hard to procure lofty friendships. I see who my true friends really are, which is super bon, because my old definition of a “friend” was literally if we are acquainted with each other then we are friends! HA. I still have a little trouble adjusting to the realization that BEST FRIENDS don’t exist, though. That’s where the #1 issue comes back. Thing is, even my closest friends… if they don’t have boyfriends, they have their ‘original’ group of friends, who they’ve known for longer, so naturally they are closer. I’m the odd one out (because I have let go), again (because I (was?) let go). I wish I could travel back in time to the days of grade 10… those were good years, before drama kicked in for still unveiled reasons to me… Do I even want to know her side of it? Nyeh, but not like it matters much anymore. Point is, I don’t have a person who’s literally my #1 anymore. Even if at times I consider a person to come close, something will make me realize even if they are priority to me, I am not theirs. Then I think is it worth it since they are my CENTRE but I’m only by their SIDE? But there isn’t a scale to measure this sort of thing by, right? Love, no matter whether romantic, platonic, or familial etc. should be UNCONDITIONAL ALWAYS. My ex-bff was that person for me, my numero uno. Which makes me think, will my eventual BF be my BFF as well? Probably. I think I treated my BFF like how I would a BF, ignoring the gender difference, of course. But…I wouldn’t know. I can only surmise because I feel like the expectations, trust, considerations, time spent together and all that shiz between BFFs… are pretty much akin to what a relationship would be like. Another reason why there’s probably so much conflict between BFFs and BFs in the world :P All in all… I guess… I miss having a #1 and being someone’s #1. Sometime ago I fell, and became a substitute. After I got over that, I could only promote myself to being a back-up. Different situations. Why did I fall? When will I rise again?
Uh, anyway, I got way off topic. My intention for posting was to declare my goal for this summer: to master Beethoven’s Piano Sonata No. 8 in C-, Opus 13 ;) More commonly known as SONATA PATHETIQUE. Actually, I already know the 2nd movement (adagio cantabile) and the opening of the 3rd (allegro) but I’ve never touched the 1st :) I’m excited. I absolutely love this piece. Perfection will be my staircase to climb! I will make it. The pinnacle…of light. P.S. I HAVE AMPHAROS x3 tehehehehe <3 <3 <3
